Mango's Jokes and Humor 2

Military Humor

Alarming Statistics...

Number of physicians in the US: 700,000
Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year: 120,000
Accidental deaths per physician.... 0.171
(U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Services)

Number of gun owners in the US: 80,000,000
Number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) 1,500
Accidental deaths per gun owner: 0.0000188
(* Benton County News Tribune on 17th of November, 1999).

Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous than gun owners.
"Remember, Not everyone has a gun, but everyone has at least one doctor."
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets out of hand.

Remember guns don't kill people, doctors do!

Oxymorons

The Wisdom Of Andy Rooney

On Ads In Bills: Have you ever noticed that they put advertisements in with your bills now? Like bills aren't distasteful enough, they have to stuff junk mail in there with them. I get back at them. I put garbage in with my check when I mail it 
in. Coffee grinds, banana peels...I write, Could you throw this away for me? Thank You.

On Fabric Softener: My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me (sniff) Married (walk off). That's how they mark their territory. You can take off the ring, but its hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

On Cripes: My wife is from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like Cripes. For Cripes sake. Who would that be, Jesus Cripes? The son of Gosh or the church of Holy Moly? I'm not making fun of i! t. You think 
I wanna burn in Heck?

On Morning Differences: Men and women are different in the morning. The men wake up aroused in the morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, How can he want me the way I look in the morning? Its because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.

On Pregnancy: Its weird when pregnant women feel the baby kicking. They say, Oh my God. He is kicking. Do you wanna feel it? I always feel awkward reaching over there. Come on! Its weird to ask someone to feel your stomach. I don't do that when I have gas. Oh my God...give me your hand...It wont be long now...

On Grandma: My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, Sexy Senior Citizen. You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.

On Prisons: Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks a piece I'll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair that's hooked up to the generator.

On Award Shows:  Can you believe how many award shows they have now? They have awards for commercials. The Cleo Awards, a whole show full of commercials. I taped it and then I fast-forwarded through the whole thing.

On Phone-In-Polls: You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues? Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say I don't know. It costs 90 cents to call up and vote... Why t! hey're voting I don't know. Honey, I feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Into Phone) I DON'T KNOW! (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up for what you believe you're not sure about. This guy probably calls up phone sex girls for $2.95 to say I'm not in the mood.

On Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love. Beep. Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling.... Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.

Why Beer is Good

"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than 
be selfish and worry about my liver." 
--by Jack Handy

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day".  
-- Frank Sinatra

"An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools".
-- Ernest Hemingway

"A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her".
-- W.C. Fields

"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." 
-- Henny Youngman

"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? We think NOT"!
-- Stephen Wright

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of man kind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza".
-- Dave Barry

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 1862!

Remember "I" before "E", except in Budweiser.

To some its a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group.

Subject: Beer Warnings

Since product liability litigation is only expected to increase in the new millennium, beer manufacturers are considering using the FDA's suggestion that the following ten warning labels be placed on all beer containers produced in the US during the year 2001:

1 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

2 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

3 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them 
at four in the morning.

4 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

5 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can converse logically with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

6 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical kung-fu powers.

7- WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary.

8 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

9 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter and more handsome than some really, really big guy named Bubba.

10 - WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy

What My Mother Taught Me...

• My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE - "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
  
• My mother taught me RELIGION - "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
  
• My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
  
• My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
  
• My mother taught me IRONY - "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
  
• My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS - "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
  
• My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM - "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
  
• My mother taught me about STAMINA - "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
  
• My mother taught me about WEATHER - "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
  
• My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS - "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
  
• My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY - "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't exaggerate!!!"
  
• My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE - "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
  
• My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION - "Stop acting like your father!"
  
• My mother taught me about ENVY - "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

THANKS, MOM!

From Sports Illustrated by Jack Reilly

Now this message for America's most famous athletes: Someday you may be invited to fly in the backseat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have -- John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity.... Move to Guam. Change your name. Fake your own death. Whatever you do, do not go. I know. The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station 
Oceana in Virginia Beach. Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it.

He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast. Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ("T-minus 15 seconds and counting...." Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, "We have a lift-off." Biff was to fly me in an F-14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight.

I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning. "Bananas," he said. "For the potassium?" I asked. "No," Biff said, "because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down." The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. 
(No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot -- but, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would "egress" me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious. Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up.

In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14. Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, sap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14, and it chased us. We broke the speed of sound. Sea 
was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say 
I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me. And I egressed the bananas. I egressed the pizza from the night before. And the lunch before that. I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade. I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that did not even want to be egressed. I went through not one airsick bag, but two. Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know cool. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know cool. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and Freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand. A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit. What is it? I asked.

"Two Bags."

Clinton Humor

• Jennifer Flowers was asked if her relationship with Bill Clinton was anything like the Monica Lewinski affair. She replied, "Close-but no cigar."
  
• The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue".
  
• President Clinton now recruits interns from only four colleges: Moorhead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
  
• Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because it represents inflation, halts production, and gives you a false sense of security while you are being screwed.
  
• The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta, Georgia, announced today the President has proven that you CAN get sex from Aides!
  
• Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation. They added the 11th commandment: "Thou shall not 
  put thy rod in thy staff."
  
• Arkansas is very proud of Bill Clinton... All these women coming forward and not one of them is his sister!
  
• Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says, "Prepare to become a widow. Your husband will soon suffer a violent death." Hillary takes a deep breath and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"

It's October and Santa's finally getting around to answering his e-mail from last Christmas...

Dear Santa,

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.

YeR FReND, BiLLy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Billy,

Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career Lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a fu ** ing book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell! - Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!

Love, Sarah

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sarah,

You're parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? - Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please, I really really want a fire truck this year!

Love, Joey

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Joey,

Here is a nice chrome zippo lighter. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with. - Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.

Love, Teddy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Teddy,

What, and ruin that hot affair your dad's still having with the babysitter? He's banging her like a screen door in a 
hurricane, son! Let me get you some nice Legos instead. - Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I want a new bike, a playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba.

Love, Francis

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Francis,

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? - Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.

Love, Susan

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be a kiss-ass? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal and some Toblerone. - Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making toys?

Your friend, Thomas

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Thomas,

All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I spend most my time squeezing cocktail waitresses' asses, and losing all my cash at the craps table. Hey, YOU wanted to know! - Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song?

Love, Jessica

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Jessica,

Are you that gullible? Good luck in whatever you do, I'm skipping your house... - Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please, please please PLEASE could I have one?

Timmy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again. 
- Santa

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dearest Santa,

We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? 

Love, Marky

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mark,

First, stop calling yourself "Marky," that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams! - Santa

Something to offend just about everyone...

Q:  What does the average Minnesota player get on his SAT's?
A:   Drool.

Q:  What do you get when you put 32 Alabama cheerleaders in one room?
A:   A full set of teeth.

Q:  How do you get a Wisconsin cheerleader into your dorm room?
A:   Grease her hips and push like hell.

Q:  How do you get a Michigan State graduate off your porch?
A:   Pay him for the pizza.

Q:   Why do the University of Oklahoma cheerleaders wear bibs?
A:   To keep the tobacco juice off their uniforms.

Q:   Why do they no longer serve ice at Pitt football games?
A:   The senior who knew the recipe graduated.

Q:   Why is the Indiana football team like a possum?
A:   Because they play dead at home, and get killed on the road.

Q:   What are the longest three years of a Michigan football player's life?
A:   His freshman year.

Q:   Why did Kansas State replace natural grass with Astroturf?
A:   To discourage the cheerleaders from grazing during games.

Q:   How many Ohio State freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A:   None.....That's a sophomore course at OSU.

Q:   Where was O.J. headed in the white Bronco?
A:   Lafayette, IN ......He knew that the police would never look there for a Heisman Trophy winner.

Q:   Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
A:   You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash the rest of the week.

X-Rated One Liners

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A: The grip.

Q. How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard

Q: How is a woman like a condom?
A: Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your dick.

Q: Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A: Because everybody who can run, jump, and swim are already in America.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: How are women and rocks alike?
A: You skip across the flat ones.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: What's the difference between a '90's woman and a Computer?
A: A '90's woman won't accept a three and a half inch floppy.

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Because breasts don't have eyes.

Q: How do Greeks separate the men from the boys?
A: With a crowbar.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick? 
A: When you lay a brick, it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A: The little swallow.

Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Hump-me Dump-me.

Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

Q: Why do Greek men wear gold neck chains?
A: So they know where to stop shaving.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q: Why don't men fake orgasm?
A: Cuz no man would pull those faces on purpose.

Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. Its Braille for "suck here."

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A. Her navel.

Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. Because they want to.

Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the Morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

When Visiting the South

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners And Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever- it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

6) Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

7) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here -- or you guessed it, we'll kick your ass.

8) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

10) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

11) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

12) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston Harbor.

13) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little grey- haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

14) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

15) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook Barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box-minus your ass.

Why it's great to be a man?

 Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work ... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with them.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

One mood, ALL the damn time

Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can kill your own food.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

No maxi-pads.

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes. 

He May Walk Again!

A husband, tired of his wife asking him how she looks, buys her a full length mirror. This does little to help, as now she just stands in front of the mirror, looking at herself, asking him how she looks. One day, fresh out of the shower, she is yet again in front of the mirror, now complaining that her breasts are too small.

Uncharacteristically, the husband comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper, and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."  Willing to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper, and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take? "she asks.  "They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.  The wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts grow over the years?" she asks. The husband shrugs. "Why not, it worked for your ass, didn't it?"

I heard that he lived, and, with a great deal of therapy, he might walk again.

Who is Jack Schitt?

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can intellectually handle the situation.  

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep 
N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.  In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced 
6 children; Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.  

Against her parent's objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.  However, after being married 
15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt, and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.  Two of the other 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood, and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The local newspaper ran a lovely story announcing the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens marriage produced three children, Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So, now when someone says, " You don't know Jack Schitt!" you can correct him or her. 

Family History Recorded by Crock O. Schitt.

Great Thinkers of our Time

• Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
  Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
  Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
  
• "Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
  Mariah Carey
  
• "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are."
  Matt Lauer on NBC's Today Show, August 22
  
• "I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
  David Dinkins, New York City Mayor (answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes)
  
• "Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
  Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
  
• "I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
  Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
  
• "Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
  Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
  
• "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
  Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
  
• "I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
  Hillary Clinton (commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents)
  
• "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
  Former French President Charles De Gaulle
  
• "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
  Former U. S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
  
• "Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind."
  General William Westmoreland
  
• And last but not least, a parting word from Dan Quayle:
  "I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."

What is Politically Correct?

Q: WHAT IS P.C.?  PC stands for Politically Correct. We of the Politically Correct philosophy believe in increasing a tolerance for a DIVERSITY of cultures, race, gender, ideology and alternate lifestyles. Political Correctness is the only social and morally acceptable outlook. Anyone who disagrees with this philosophy is bigoted, biased, sexist, and/or closed-minded.

Q: WHY SHOULD I BE PC?  Being PC is fun. PCism is not just an attitude, it is a way of life! PC offers the satisfaction of knowing that you are undoing the social evils of centuries of oppression.

Q: I AM A WHITE MALE. CAN I STILL BE PC?  Sure. You just have to feel very guilty.

Q: WHY?  If you are a white male, your ancestors were responsible for practically every injustice in the world- slavery, war, genocide and plaid sports coats.  That means that YOU are partially responsible for these atrocities. Now it is time to balance the scales of justice for the descendants of those individuals whose ancestors your ancestors pushed down.

Q: HOW?  It's simple. You've got to be careful what you say, what you think, and what you do. You just don't want to offend anyone.

Q: YOU MEAN I SHOULD GUARD AGAINST OFFENDING ANYONE?  That's right. Being offensive is destructive, and will not make the world a harmonious utopia, like in John Lennon's IMAGINE.

Q: HOW ELSE CAN I BE PC?  Oh, there are lots of ways. For example, why buy regular ice cream when you can buy "Rain Forest Crunch?"  Segrega..whoops..separate all of your garbage into different containers: glass, metal, white paper, blue paper, plastic, etc. Make sure that all your make-up has not been tested on animals. Try to find at least sixty ways to use your water; when you take a shower, brush your teeth at the same time. Then don't let the water go down the drain, use it 
to irrigate your lawn, or better yet, replace your lawn with a vegetable garden.  Don't use aerosol. And by all means, don't burn or deface our flag. Remember, as a citizen of U.S.A., your living in God's country.  If you are fortunate enough to 
know your ethnic heritage, dress the part!  Don't do drugs. You should listen to at least one of the following PC musicians: 
U2, REM, Sinead O'Connor, Sting, or KD Lang.  Harass people who wear fur coats. Remind them that an innocent baby seal was mercilessly clubbed. Or just yell, "FUR." They hate that. And don't EVER eat meat.

Q: DON'T EAT MEAT? WHY NOT?!  Cows are animals, just like humans are animals. That means that they have rights. When you eat meat, you're oppressing animals!

Q: SO ALL KILLING IS BAD?  No, not always. Sometimes killing can be justified, like in the Persian Gulf. You have to be able to tell when an animal has rights, and when it doesn't.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW WHEN AN ANIMAL HAS RIGHTS?   The general rule is as follows:  If an animal is rare, pretty, big, cute, furry, huggable, or lovable, then it has rights. Examine the following chart:

Q: WOW. WHAT ELSE CAN I DO TO BE PC?  Hug a tree. Rejoice each day in our cultural differences, for they are what gives flavor to our great country. Get in touch with your sexual identity. Check your refrigerator for freon leaks. Subscribe to National Geographic. Search it for neat non-Western cultural traditions and costumes. After you read it, use the paper as an alternate fuel source.

Q: I'M NOT SURE ABOUT ALL OF THIS.  If you are feeling unsure about your motivation, just remember. YOU ARE RIGHT. It's that simple. You are right.

Q: HOW DO I KNOW IF AN ACTION IS UN-PC?  Good question. It's important to know when someone is saying something insensitive so that you can have that person removed from society. The guideline is as follows:

Is the confrontation between two white people?
Yes   -     The liberal is right.
No    -     The white person is oppressing the ethnic person.
Remember, many seemingly obvious issues, such as the railroading of Mayor Marion Barry, the Clarence Thomas issue, and 
the Saint Mary's University Caribbean Society shut-down are really race issues.

Here's a fun practice drill for you: See how many newspaper articles you can make into race bias stories. It's fun! Some PCers are so good they can make the weather report look like a KKK pamphlet!

Q: WHAT SHOULD I DO IF I SEE SOMEONE DO SOMETHING NON-PC?  It all depends on the situation. If you are not in a position of authority, by all means report this activity immediately to whomever is in charge. If your school leader, employer, or superior is hip to the PC trend, she or he will take the necessary steps to have the insensitive offender disciplined.

Q: BUT ISN'T THAT CENSORSHIP?  The Constitution never meant for racism, sexism and insensitivity to be espoused by anyone. That's not what free speech is about. Some call it censorship. PCers call it "selective" speech. Saying something negative about a particular race or gender is just as damaging as, say, punching them in the face. We just can't allow that kind of verbal assault.

Q: I'VE HEARD A LOT ABOUT PC WORDS TO REPLACE "BLACK," "INDIAN." ETC.  Yes. That's part of the PC movement. You see, part of the way we think about people comes directly from the words we use to describe them. Take "black" for instance. Why should a person be judged by the color of their skin?

Q: YOU MEAN THEY SHOULD RATHER BE JUDGED BY THE CONTENT OF THEIR CHARACTER?  No, I mean they should be judged by where their ancestors are from. If your great grandparents are from Africa, or Asia, or wherever, then you should be identified by that fact. You can even apply for special scholarships!

Q: HEY, WOULDN'T A WHITE PERSON FROM LIBYA OR EGYPT TECHNICALLY BE AN AFRICAN-American?  Technically, yes. But that's not the kind of African-American we mean.  That is, we're REALLY talking about skin color, but we're pretending that we aren't. Another example: A white South-African immigrant is not an African-American or either.

Q: HOW CAN I LEARN TO MAKE MY LANGUAGE MORE POLITICALLY CORRECT?  For more help, see the PC LEXICON at the end of the handbook.

Q: I'D LIKE MY CHILD TO BE PC. WHAT CAN I DO?  Well, for one thing, we should forcibly encourage students to volunteer their time with philanthropies. Also, we should re-emphasize non-Western perspectives on history. Finally, we should re-structure tests and quizzes to reflect cultural biases.

Q: I DON'T GET IT.  Well, the way the system works now, "select" under-represented minorities who tend to do worse on entrance tests have lower standards of admissions at school and work and receive preferential treatment. This is unfair and wrong.

Q: IT IS?  Yes. The truly PC way to do it is to have a different grading scale for different groups which olives or subtracts points from the final score, depending on who is taking the test. If you are white, then you have been benefited 
by society during your life. That means that you lose ten to fifteen points to make the test fair to everyone else.

Q: I GUESS THAT SOUNDS RIGHT.  It IS right. That's the beauty of PC.

Q: WHAT ELSE DO I HAVE TO BE CAREFUL OF?  Humor. PC people take every comment VERY seriously. We will not accept any comment, joke, remark, or anything that sounds like it could be a racial slur.

Q: GIVE ME AN EXAMPLE.  "What's black and white and red all over?" has been staple humor for decades. Not PC --- it can be taken the wrong way.  In every day speech, try to use phrases like, "Isn't that the pot calling the kettle African-American.  Any racial jokes or jokes even mentioning culture or gender should be omitted. True, this mostly limits comedy to the level of sitcoms, but that's the price you pay for social equality.

Q: IS THAT ALL THERE IS TO IT?  Yes. The Politically Correct belief is essentially a recognition that people are diversely equal. We rejoice in this equality by treating people differently based on their equal individuality. Hop aboard 
the bandwagon...  Be PC. Or you're an intolerant, racist, sexist insensitive pig.

PC LEXICON

Ten Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter

1. If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure as hell not picking anything up.

2. Do not touch my daughter in front of me.  You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.  
If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

3. I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips.  Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.  Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:  You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.  However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

4. I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.  Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I WILL KILL YOU!!!!

5. It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.  Please do not do this.  The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".

6. I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls.  This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter.  Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you.  If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

7. As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.  If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.  My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.  Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

8. The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.  Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.  Places where there is darkness.  Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.  Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.  Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay.  Hockey games are okay.  Old folks homes are better.

9. Do not lie to me.  I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been.  But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.  If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.  Do not trifle with me.

10. Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi.  When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home.  As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.  Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.  The camouflaged face at the 
window is mine. 

Here's Your Sign

    Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".  That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you?  You wouldn't ask them anything.  It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind.  I didn't see your sign."
   It's like before my wife and I moved.  Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway.  My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving"?  "Nope.  We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes.  Here's your sign."
   A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish"?  "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up.  Here's your sign."
   I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel.  There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit.  And there's only one way to test it.  "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good.  They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."  "Well, all right, but hold my sign.  I don't wanna lose it".
   Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations.  The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"  I couldn't resist.  I said, "Nope.  I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me.  Here's your sign."
   We were trying to sell our car about a year ago.  A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes.  We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then goes, "Darn that's hot"!  See?  If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
   I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure.  Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge.  The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried.  I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report.  He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem.  I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So..is your truck stuck"?  I couldn't help myself!  I looked at him looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering a darn bridge...here's your sign".
    Oh, gee...  if I had lowered the air pressure in my tires, I could have driven out from under the bridge.  No cop, no embarrassment...  "where'd I put my sign"?

Recent Quotes

• Ah, yes, "divorce;" from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. Robin Williams
  
• Women complain about pre menstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. Roseanne
  
• Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. Billy Crystal
  
• According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women.  They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. Jay Leno
  
• There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? Jay Leno
  
• Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. Lewis Grizzard
  
• See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. Robin Williams
  
• If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base.  Dave Barry
  
• What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them? Marilyn Pittman
  
• My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.  Paula Poundstone
  
• If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.  Johnny Carson
  
• Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography.  Paul Rodriguez
  
• Suppose you were an idiot... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself.  Mark Twain
  
• Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.  A. Whitney Brown