Last updated on December 28, 2007
Clean Jokes for Slightly Twisted Minds
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A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM " He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied , "in-laws
WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, " but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN (A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000. The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time. " The wife responded, "Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee." The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee." Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me." So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"
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A man, his wife and mother-in-law went on a vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why? Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land and spend only $150?"
The man said, "A man died here 2000 years ago, he was buried here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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I got a new car radio yesterday and it is terrific.
If I say "Rock" it plays Rock and Roll.
If I say "Rap" it plays Rap.
If I say "Love" it plays Love Songs.
Three kids ran out in front of the car and I said
"Fucking kids!"
And it played Michael Jackson.
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Don't-Tell
Records Presents:
The Michael Jackson Legal Defense Fund Album
Did Michael Jackson molest children at his Neverland fantasy ranch? We’ll let
the courts decide. But whether innocent or guilty, Michael is entitled to the
O.J Style celebrity legal defense team he can no longer afford. That's where you
come in. We've gathered hit songs from yesterday and today in one
megacompilation. All Profits go toward putting Michael back in the black. Order
your copy today....
| Disc 1 Track # |
Title / Artist | Disc 2 Track # |
Title / Artist | |
| 1. | Me And Julio Down By The Schoolyard - Paul Simon | 1. | Schools Out - Alice Cooper | |
| 2. | Where Boys Fear To Tread - The Smashing Pumpkins | 2. | Can U Keep a Secret - De La Soul | |
| 3. | Sweet Child Of Mine - Guns N' Roses | 3. | Tonight's The Nigh - Rod Stewart | |
| 4. | Beautiful Boy - John Lennon | 4. | Help - The Beatles | |
| 5. | The Kid Is Hot Tonight - Loverboy | 5. | Surrender - Cheap Trick | |
| 6. | Red Red Wine UB40 | 6. | Take It Like A Man - The Offspring | |
| 7. | I Want Candy - Bow Wow Wow | 7. | Say My Name - Destiny's Child | |
| 8. | Fortunate Son - Creedence Clearwater Revival | 8. | Opps!..I Did It Again - Britney Spears | |
| 9. | Short People - Randy Newman | 9. | Fire In The Hole - Steely Dan | |
| 10. | Touch Me - The Doors | 10. | It Hurts So Bad - Kim Carnes | |
| 11. | Down Under - Men At Work | 11. | Boys Don't Cry - The Cure | |
| 12. | Shock The Monkey - Peter Gabriel | 12. | Rub Me Raw - Warren Zevon | |
| 13. | Let it Bleed - The Rolling Stones |
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France Raises Terror Alert Level
Reuters News Agency
Date: 03/29/2004 7:47:17 AM Pacific Standard Time
API and UPI report that the French Government announced today that in light of the Madrid bombing, France has raised it's terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate"!
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Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a man carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up." "Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. A couple holes later, one of the fellows asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man."
"You're joking!"
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here's the 'tool of my trade'."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other fellow, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
"Sure, said the hit man."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha, that's funny, she must be just out of the shower because I can see she's naked! What's that? Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her.......He's naked as well! Why that little *^&$@!" He turned to the hitman, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he's supposed to be a friend of mine, but don't kill him, just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just wait a moment, be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
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An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in
New York with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in
with 2000 yen and was handed $66.
He asked the teller, "Why get less money than got last week?"
The teller says, "Fluctuations."
The Asian man stormed out, and just before slamming the door, he turned around
and said, "Fluc you
Amelicans too!"
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A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?".
The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were still only 15?" he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do" she replies. The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?"
"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
"And do you remember when he shoved his shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said........ "I would have got out today."
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A guy's talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, "What's your name?"
She says, "Carmen."
He says, "That's a nice name. Who named you, your mother?"
She says, "No, I named myself."
He says, "Why Carmen?"
She says, "Because I like cars and I like men. What's your name?"
He says, "Beerfuck."
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STARTING A BUSINESS IN THE PHILIPPINES
Posting from the "Living in the Phils" Yahoo - Author Unknown
Dear Friend/Potential lnvestor,
I understand your Filipina Girl Friend has suggested some exciting new business concepts? Lets see, you're looking to start a new venture: Piggery, Tricycle, Jeepney, Poultry raising, Rice Lands, Rice Mill, Coconut Plantation, Fish Pond, Restaurant?
Mate, the best idea is to set up a Pawn Shop, so you can get back all the jewelry that all the other unlucky foreigners bought for their girlfriends and wives at a fraction of what they paid for it! On the other hand, you could do lending against the houses built by the foreigners for the families of their girlfriends, or setting up shop inside the Casinos, Mah Jong parlors, and Tong-its houses.
Here then are just a few simple rules to helping the Family:
1. It was never a loan, it was given!
2. To do business here, leave your morals at home.
3. Only bastards and cream rise to the top!
4. If things were easy here, everyone would be rich!
5. Just because they speak English, wear western clothes and like western music doesn't mean they're Americans!
6. Because it's yours, the relatives think it is theirs.
7. If the family has not bought it, no matter what you give, it will not be respected or taken care of unless they got it on their own.
8. A business arrangement with family means: You finance, pay the bills, re-stock and never see any return past the first or second installment (if you are extremely fortunate.)
9. If the family survived all these years without you, why now can they not survive without your help? Who paid all the bills before you joined the family?
10. If you are invited to the party, you are the party!
11. Why do you think the family was so happy to welcome a 60 year old to marry their 20-year-old daughter and do not mind you calling your 40-year-old Father-in-Law 'Tatay'
12. Resign yourself. You will be supporting them whether you know it or not, unless she was an orphan and had no Aunties or Uncles or Grandparents or Nephews or Nieces or brothers or sisters or family friends.
If you haven't heard these excuses yet you soon will:
1. The chickens all died and we need more.
2. It's fiesta time and we ate them all.
3. The piglets died.
4. We sold them.
5. The brood sow died.
6. Sister's birthday celebration, we ate it.
7. The banca boat sunk in a typhoon.
8. We sold the engine and nets.
9. It was confiscated because we were doing dynamite fishing.
10. The tricycle needs a new motor.
11. My boyfriend ran it without oil coz he couldn't afford it.
12. Need to fix the jeepney.
13. My brother got drunk and got into a wreck.
14. The jeepney needs new tires.
15. He sold the new ones months ago, and the used tires are all flat.
16. Our fish pond needs to be re-stocked/someone stole all the fish.
17. Guess who did that and sold all last year's fingerlings?
18. The storms destroyed the rice harvests/only got 2 sacks per hectare.
19. We bought more rice lands for ourselves and didn't tell you we really got 100 sacks per hectare.
20. The typhoon destroyed all the coconuts.
21. We put a down payment on a new 4 Wheel Drive for Tatay.
But let's face real hard facts: alimony here is a TV set, refrigerator, bed and electric fan. Quite unlike back home. And let's face it, if it was so good back there we wouldn't be here! And if everything was organized, everything worked like it was supposed to, and all of these things really don't happen for real, we wouldn't have anything to talk about.
One last point, if your maid hasn't fried at least 2 TV sets or major appliances and burned an electric rice cooker on top of your stove, you haven't been here long enough yet!
Oh yea, we're not joking!
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FRENCH JOKES / QUOTES
(Sorry to our French Friends ... these were too funny to pass up!)
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1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this mornin'..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a nasty way to begin the Blues unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman with the meanest face in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes, sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, she weigh 500 pound."
4. The Blues isn't about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch. There aint no way out.
5. Blues cars include Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues folk don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or SUVs. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anyplace in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, & Kansas City are still great places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues anyplace that don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing isn't the blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go out to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues are:
a. Nordstrom's
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League colleges
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you sleep in it.
13. You have the right to sing the blues if the
following apply:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis, and/or
d. you can't be satisfied.
14. You do NOT have the right to sing the Blues
if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind, but can now see
c. the man in Memphis lived, or
d. you have a 401K or trust fund
15. Blues isn't a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods can't sing the blues; Sonny Liston could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.
16. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages include cheap wine, whiskey, bourbon, muddy water, and black coffee. Blues beverages do NOT include Perrier, Chardonnay, Snapple, or Slim Fast.
17. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
18. Some Blues names for women are...Sadie, Big Mama, Bessie, and Fat River Dumpling. Some Blues names for men include...Joe, Willie, Little Willie, Big Willie. Persons with names like Amber, Jennifer, Tiffany, Debbie, Heather, and Bruce can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shot in Memphis.
19. You can make your own Blues name Starter Kit.
All you need:
a. name of a physical infirmity (blind, cripple, lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of a fruit (lemon, lime,
etc.)
c. last name of a President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore,
etc.)
Examples: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jackleg Lemon Johnson.
20. No matter how tragic your life, if you own a computer you cannot sing the Blues.
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Hello, my name is Carol and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion f@#king chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send "his" email, $1000? How stupid are we? "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by every good looking model in the magazine!" What a bunch of bullsh*t.
Basically, this message is a big KISS MY ROSEY RED A## to all the people out there who have nothing better to do than to send me stupid chain mail forwards. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. F@#k them.
If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 900 times!! I don't care.
Or how about those supposedly missing kids out there. Did we forget there's a website specifically for that. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity. The point being? If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.
Now forward this to everyone you know. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals. Have a great day!
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Sad news about beer. You have to hope that this study is flawed, but the evidence seems irrefutable. Yesterday, scientists suggested that the results of a recent analysis revealed the presence of female hormones in beer, and suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men were each fed 6 pints of beer within a one-hour period. It was then observed that 100% of the men:
a. Gained weight
b. Talked excessively without making sense
c. Became overly emotional
d. Couldn't drive
e. Failed to think rationally
f. Argued over nothing
g. Had to sit down while urinating
h. Showed no interest in sex
i. Refused to apologize when wrong
No further testing is planned.
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Hairdryer |
Clinton Home |
Shopping |
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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Q: WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
A: Because they are plugged into a genius.
Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING FOREPLAY?
A: They don't have enough time.
Q: WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
A: Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Q: WHY DON'T WOMEN HAVE MEN'S BRAINS?
A: Because they don't have penises to put them in.
Q: WHAT DO ELECTRIC TRAINS AND BREASTS HAVE IN
COMMON?
A: They're intended for children, but men usually play with them.
Q: WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
A: Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Q: WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
A: So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Q: WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
A: You need a rough draft before you make a final copy.
Q: HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT
DOWN?
A: Don't know...... it never happened.
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A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. He finds a house and breaks into it. There he finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous; if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.
To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."
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NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, driving record, lineage, and current certified medical report (including drug tests) from your doctor.
1. NAME _______________________________ DATE OF BIRTH ______________________
2. HEIGHT ______________ WEIGHT __________ I.Q ___________ G.P.A.______________
3. SOCIAL SECURITY # _____________ DRIVERS LICENSE # ________________________
4. BOY SCOUT RANK__________________________________________________________
5. HOME ADDRESS ____________________ CITY/STATE ____________ ZIP ____________
6. Do you have one MALE and one FEMALE parent? __________________________________
If No, EXPLAIN _____________________________________________________________
7. Number of years your parents have been married ___________________________________
8. Do you own a van? ______ A truck with oversized tires? _______ A waterbed? ____________
Do you have an earring, nose ring, belly button ring, or a tattoo? ________________________
(If "yes" to any of #8, discontinue application and leave premises)
9. In 50 words or less, what does "LATE" mean to you? _________________________________
__________________________________________________________________________
10. In 50 words or less, what does "DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER" mean to you?
___________________________________________________________________________
___________________________________________________________________________
11. In 50 words or less, what does "ABSTINENCE" mean to you? ____________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________
12. Church you attend _________________ How often do you attend ________________________
13. When would be the best time to interview your father, mother and priest/rabbi/minister? ____________________________________________________________________________
14. Answer by filling in the blank: please answer freely. ALL answers are confidential (That means I won't tell anyone -ever- I promise.)
a) If I were shot, the last place on my body I would want wounded is ________________________
b) If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my ______________________________
c) A woman's place is in the ______________________________________________________
d) The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is ___________________________
e) When I first meet a girl, the first thing I notice about her is ___________________________
(NOTE: If your answer begins
with "T" or "A", discontinue. Leave premises keeping your head low.
Running in a serpentine fashion is advised.)
15. What do you want to be IF you grow up? ___________________________________________
I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
________________________________________
Signature (That means sign your name)
Thank you for your interest. Please allow four to six years for processing. You will be notified in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write. If you do attempt any communication before your application is approved, automatic disqualification will result. If your application is rejected, two gentlemen wearing white ties and carrying violin cases will notify you. (You might want to watch your back).
Do you still want to date my daughter?
_____ Yes, please accept my application
_____ I um, no, I uh, think I have the wrong house...
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The Woman of every Man's dreams would surely say .....
1. I'll swallow it all . . . I love the taste.
2. Are you sure you've had enough to drink?
3. Shouldn't you be down at the bar with your buddies?
4. I've decided to stop wearing clothes around the house.
5. You're so sexy when you're hungover.
6. I'd rather watch football and drink beer with you than go shopping.
7. Let's subscribe to Hustler.
8. Would you like to watch me go down on my girlfriend?
9. Say, let's go down to the mall so you can check out women's asses.
10. I'll be outside painting the house.
11. I love it when you play golf on Sunday's, I just wish you had time to play on Saturday too.
12. Honey, our new neighbor is sunbathing topless again, come see!
13. I know it's a lot tighter back there but would you please try again?
14. No, No, I'll take the car to have the oil changed.
15. Your mother is way better than mine.
16. Do me a favor, forget the stupid Valentine's day thing and buy yourself new golf clubs.
17. I understand fully ... our anniversary comes every year. You go hunting with the guys, it's a wonderful stress reliever.
18. Oh come on, what do ya say we get a good porno movie, a rack of beer, a few joints, and have my friend Tammy over for a threesome!
19. No, not the fucking mall again, come on let's go to that new strip joint!
20. Listen, I make enough money for the both of us, why don't you retire and get that nagging handicap down to 7 or 8.
21. You need your sleep ya big silly, now stop getting up for the night feedings.
22. Damn, if I don't get to blow you soon, I swear I'm gonna bust!
23. I signed up for yoga so that I can get my ankles behind my head.
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No
matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with
her shit.
Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel
Hill, North Carolina
A
Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have
trouble with it.
Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort, Dallas,
Texas
No
wonder you always go home alone.
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed
Debevic's, Beverly Hills, CA
The
best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign,
Illinois
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
What
are you looking up on the wall for? The joke is in your hands.
Men's restroom, Lynagh's, Lexington, Kentucky
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Secrets to a Happy Marriage. . .
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is most important that these three women never meet.
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